People always told me “don’t look like what you goin through”
to me that’s just a front
that has less to do with me
and more about other people gettin what they want
somethin pretty to look at
even if its’ demons are on haunt.
ok sooo I just freestyle that (still got it 🧞♂️.)
Between me and you, I haven’t been taking the best care of myself. There’s just a lot, too much, going on and somewhere in my mind (subconsciously of course) the way other people are treating me is allowing me to forget that I deserve better. Better than how people are treating me and for sure better than how I’ve been treating myself. My hair has literally been thrown into a bun like 6 days straight now. My nails..non existent. My toes are done though, shoutout to Mike. I cheated on my brow lady andddd I paid for it. I told the man thick! They ain’t thick! My little bumps on my forehead were coming back because I wasn’t taking proper care of my skin. Although oregano soap cleared it up as usual (when I actually took the time to wash my face) there’s some other things I really been slipping on but we ain’t there yet lol 👀
If I keep writing and you keep reading, we can be though. Just know if you are slipping on your self care you are not alone.
I also have a major shift in my life I’ve been waiting to make happen for a LONG time because I only wanted it how I saw it in my mind. Maybe I’ll share it with you in the end of this post (I’m kinda just flowing so I don’t even know how long it will really be. It could literally end right now 😂)
Plus, those who are close to me on instagram know exactly how overwhelmed I am by the content. There’s so much to remember, algorithms, hashtags, trends, transitions, music, trending music, trending fashion, audience retention – like is everyone’s attention span really shit or am I boring? Weird ass Russian songs trending and shit. It’s so ridiculous sometimes 😫 And I really struggle with this, mainly because I enjoy my privacy at this point. I am very elusive, I move in the shadows, while I’m waiting for my duties at my 9-5 I literally cannot be found but I’m always where I’m supposed to be. In a nutshell, being vulnerable is not appealing to me and I don’t like to be seen sometimes 🙂 but through my writing, man. I can tell you the whole story and still keep what I need to keep to myself.
I am working on my face card though, it is important I know, so I have some YouTube videos planned, one inspired by this post actually so I hope you watch! Some TikToks of course but I’m really trying to remove my attachment to it and just treat it like an online portfolio. I know it’s going to be difficult and it’s really not a thing of validation for my work, but putting in that much work and you know how many people support celebs, repost celebs! before they repost you. It’s really wild.
If you’ve read this long I suppose I will share with you! This May I am launching my online shop called “51/50” if you are familiar a 5150 in California is a mental break. It is also a play on my CRAZY ASS 3 year depressive episode and the fact that I got out of that shit. I will be selling all things unique and it’ll be centered around the Black music, film and culture that helped me when I really had N O B O D Y.
My logo is almost complete, like literally finishing touches and then the site will soon be up and running. The 51/50 is also important to remember because the stock will always be limited, guaranteed to make you lose your mind 🤪 Some things will be one of a kind, like my hand made and hand painted items as well as vintage clothing. Other things will have limited stock max 13, usually. So you can sleep at night knowing not many people have the same items as you. Get prepared, it’s coming REAL soon.
Xo,
Essence
Essence the Poet ✍🏾 